My rawest self

So after posting a portion of the forward from the handbook I decided that I would right about my major insecurities and issues I have had over the years with myself and why it has been so hard to love myself. It would make more sense to why the whole burlesque awesomeness is surprising to me making such an impact to how I see myself.

So if you have ever seen a professional dancer from the nineties they were tall and extremely thin. In Vegas all girls in shows had to be at least 5'6 at that time in order to make it past the auditions. Well I grew the last time in my life when I was 11yrs old. And that only got me to the short size of 5'3. Now as for the thin part I was still part of the era where your weight was a huge part of your dancing life. Girls who were slightly thick were always to to look longer don't gain weight etc. well even at 80lbs, which I was from 11 to 13 I still looked twice the size of the girls around me due to my body shape and height. I went through many stages of eating disorders from just plain starving myself to full blown bulimia. I even fluctuated weight from 115-150 through high school as well. So my dream to be a dancer,which I think I was good at, was always being shattered in front of me. In my early adult life I went through spousal fear. Meaning I was starving myself all over again, because of the fear my ex put into me regarding leaving me if I got larger then what I was. So I went up and down between 115- 130 on a regular basis. 130 was the largest I was able to be without fear of losing a man who I now realize didn't love ME. Now the last weight issue I have had was due to the Hellion of a blessing I now have running my life. I went from 145 to 220 the day I went into the hospital. I was a walking, well more like waddling, Buddha. I was swollen, but basically all belly. He took up so much room from day one that people thought I was having multiple children my whole pregnancy. One day ill post a pic. I won't deny I loved rubbing my belly and miss it even to this day. The aftermath was to  be the least desirable out come. I ended things with the lower part of my belly stretched out.

Now through all this weight crap I developed horrible coping mechanisms. I am currently working on covering my right arm with tattoos due to scars that I caused to myself over the years when I get overwhelmed. I'm all good now and handle things way better so please don't freak out, I'm just being honest. I also closet ate for years. I did what children do when they have gone through periods of starving. I would go and eat something really bad for me while no one was watching. Not such great things I have done to myself due to overwhelming emotions and the strong desire to be thin.

Now luckily I met the most amazing man. Well didn't really meet him but opened my eyes up and truly saw him for the first time. My husband in a way helped save me. We had known each other for many years and when I left my ex he offered to show me what it was like to truly be loved by someone unconditionally. Once I felt that I have refused to ever go away. Because of this one man I began to feel a bit better about me. Burlesque comes in and fills in all the major gaps since I have had my Lil guy. After having a baby and most of you doesn't return to its previous look you tend to start feeling less sexy.

 For a while I was wearing things that hid me. Baggie dresses and lots of  gaucho pants. Even when I began my still slow transformation into pinup style clothing I would stay with more flowing skirts. Since I started my classes I went and bought myself three different pencil skirts and tight fitting tops. And yah know what I love looking at me in them. I feel great wearing them. The confidence is slow but I am feeling fantastic so far. I'm really glad I decided to finally give it a shot instead of saying that I could and never doing.