ME DAMN IT

So recently I have gotten a bit of slack from a couple of directions about how I work when it comes to people. I will mainly take instances from convos I have had with my hubs but not all said is necessarily from him. So with that disclaimer out of the way I am ME!!!!!

I run with a very different moral compass then most in every aspect of my life. Lessons I now realize that were instilled in my by my tiny old woman when I was a young adult. So if you haven't seen me at a show yet or had the chance to be in a performance with me I am the boob grabbing, all smiles, happy to see ya kind of person. It is rare that I will not approach a person and chit chat or hug them. Actually when I'm more mellow I usually get asked if I'm sick.

I also try to stick with kindness. Being happy is a choice and even when I mention another performer in a negative light I don't want everyone basing their opinion off of me so I don't mention names on here or to others unless it is in a positive light. I have had many chances to call people out on this blog for behavior, but then I would be no better and frankly this is my chance to be a narcissist so this is about me not them, and my experiences. 

I am a forgiver. I don't like holding grudges against people and I don't hate others no matter how badly I have been hurt by them. This is a thing that baffles people constantly. I have had a few who just think I'm crazy for not being angry for an overly acceptable amount of time. I don't like being in a hole of negativity. I lived many years in a hole similar to that and I have made many efforts to not do that again. So being kind to others is what I do.

Being a friend. I have been told about this one more then once by every partner I have had in my life. They see that I will stop and run to anyone who needs my help in any way. I have been told that I am more of a friend to many who are not true friends to me. They use my help and assistance when they need it but when I need it they aren't around. This part has shown its self to be true many times in the past, but I have a feeling that if I called upon any of the glittery tribe I have most will help me. I don't personally lean on people for support, but it doesn't mean I can't be a supporter of others. Good deeds are best left as those and not wanting something from anyone I help. If they feel the need to assist me or help me when I need it makes it a special gift to me. And this has happened to me in moments of stress when I am performing or getting ready to, Anita Brasierre, ViVacious, Buttercup Delight, Kiki Delco, Cha Cha Velour, Lou Lou Roxy, and many others are all people who have helped me at some point. The list can go on and on so far when it comes to my performances. 

So as all this is said and out there now...I like being nice and happy. This life is too short to be angry and upset all the time. I want my life to be filled with good.

So glitter on bitches you are all awesome people!!!!!!

BHOF BHOF BHOF!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Okay if you can't get the idea I am so fucking excited this year for the most amazing weekender event!!! This wonderful event comes right before my birthday this year too. So if you have read far enough back I was lucky enough to attend one of the nights during last years weekend. And I was lucky enough that during that one show I saw Dita Vontese and my all time fave performer Dirty Martini.  After all of that I kept hearing about the weekend I knew I had missed out on so many great performances over the weekend. So this year, thanks to the man who spoils the shit out of me, I am going for the whole weekend!!!!!!!!!! Four shows and After parties too!!!!! The other part that fucking excites me like no tomorrow is the fact that my man tags along with too, I really love him.

So very recently it was posted on the BHOF museums Facebook page that the color for one of the after parties this year is green. What did I do??? Started looking for green dresses of course. The first items I bought though weren't even for me they are for my hubs. I bought his green shirt, green cuff links and a bow tie I plan on glaming out with rhinestones very soon. Yes people my man will wear rhinestones for me day or night that's why we are meant to be! 

I have found my dress but am waiting to purchase it so I can get it fitted to me perfectly. I am starting the gym today....again. This time my hubs and our dear friend are all going to start going together. This means I will start going on a weekly basis and that will inevitably mean I will tighten my sexy bod a lil more. Did I say that I am have no motivation to go to the gym alone and because my hubs knows me he made the choice to join as well, because he said I would never go alone so he has to join now :) I love him. So back to my gorgeous dress I'll be wearing!!!!! It is strapless covered in sequins and is a mermaid style bottom. I can't wait to have it. I also have a pink beaded dress I bought for the Vegas festival last October. So this means I need one more awesome gown and maybe just a cocktail style dress for Sunday.

As for where we are staying I was hoping for a suite at the hotel hosting the weekender, the Orleans, but I was shit out of luck there. So I went to my fave hotel to stay at and looked at suites there. I love the Rio all suites hotel. I love their steakhouse, their pool, and the rooms are fucking awesome. The suite I'm looking at would be big enough as well to hold a Vegas peeps after party!!!!!! So because my husband is an amazing man it looks like we will have a ton of fun that weekend and as usual my birthday will be amazing. 

I honestly am just freaking over the fact that I get to wear awesome dresses the whole weekend, see lots of boobs, possibly meet some of the performers I admire, and spend it with my husband and friends. Yay!!

Glitter on you fab bitches!!!

My body and burlesque

So I have chosen to rewrite this post. I just want to say that I hate coming across as a jerk. I am over all a very spiritual person who believes being mean doesn't get me anywhere but in a hole of negativity. And because of that I don't like being that way and feel that what I said is possibly going to start personal attacks on people because people want to assume things and go down the road of hate, which was not at all what I was meaning. There were a few points I didn't point out correctly anyway and want to fix them. So if any of you felt as if I was attacking you I apologize and that also means the meaning of the post was lost to everyone.

So let's start from the beginning...

I took the time to look at my chubby self and thoughts went as so...

So today while standing in front of a mirror and looking at my buck ass naked self I began to think. Yes, I was staring at my chubby rolls in the mirror, which isn't something I do. Usually it is a quick "hello body you are looking plump today" type situation before I quickly turn around and ignore the rolls I just saw. I was once a thin little thing who kept myself at around 115-130 and now sit at around 180. 

So back to staring at my lady lumps in the mirror.

I started thinking about all the body bashing I have been hearing about and seeing on social media and with all the "only real peeps love women with curves" shit. I took a long look at my thighs that touch almost all the way down to my knees when not together, the scar lovingly known as my sun roof where my son came out, my slightly sagging breasts, my lovely round belly, my thick arms and my over all mainly pear shaped body. I began to think again of the many social media posts I have seen. Now I have people on my social media sites from all over the place. And what I see ranges from  love your curves to always work out. I also thought of those lovely thin girls I know with perfect asses, beautiful waists, perfect tits, and even my thicker girls who have great skin covering their size, smooth round bellies, and not so thick thighs. It also got me thinking of a burlesque article I was reading that was about how burlesque doesn't give you self confidence. So I decided that I needed to put things out there for others to read about body image coming from a former skinny girl.

Here I am naked in all my glory taking a minute to think "Is my size that bad that it grosses people out?" In my opinion if it does don't fucking talk to me anymore. I also don't want to be told how I should go on the newest dieting fad either. I am me!!! True I am not perfect but as a former skinny person from a dancers background I am not unhappy with me. I do have my days like any other woman where I feel less sexy then I did the day before when I allow others opinions of me get to me. But over all I am me for a reason. I initially gained weight because I fell inlove. Yes that is my reason and I say this because when I was thinner I was unhappy with my life and barely ate or would only closet eat while with my ex, well that and he threatened to leave me if I ever became fat. I know those were not my smartest days. I was so desperate to be wanted that I even held onto being bulimic for a while. And in highschool I held onto being under 120 by being Anorexic so I would be cast in the next number a choreographer was doing. But back to gaining. I fell in love for the first time in a very long time and fell in love with the one person I knew I couldn't live without. I was finally happy and had someone who was okay with me eating a cheese burger like a beast. Then I gained because I got pregnant. Let me tell you I looked like a beached whale right before I had my little monster. I lost a good fifty pounds of it but held hard onto what I had left. 

Now why am I not doing drastic measures to get the weight off or why am not freaking out on a daily basis over how the world looks at me? In all reality I don't care. My squishy self makes for a great snuggle buddy for my little man, I enjoy eating my food, I love meat, I love beer, and my husband still thinks I'm super fucking sexy. Now when I first started in burlesque it helped my realize that I love me. It reminded me that everyone is a different shape and size and everyone wants at least one body part replaced or sucked down. Does this make me not want any of those things? Hell no I want bigger boobs!!!

For the most part I always wore tights because I didn't think it was safe for a girl my size to not wear them and I always wear a shimmy belt or skirt to hide my lower belly. If I'm so happy with my chubby self why would I do all those things or want boobs? When I perform it isn't about me when I'm on stage it's about the audience. Most would want to see my belly and frankly even when I had fabulous boobs prior the child monster I still wanted bigger, I like big boobs, and I recently learned that the audience loves my juicy booty without tights so from now on NO MORE TIGHTS. Those who don't think of the audience when performing forget that you are there to entertain and when what you bring becomes a distraction instead of your performance you lost what you were there to do.this goes for all you tight ass thin girls too. And personally I kind of play on being a fatty I bring food eating into what I'm doing or joke about what I have on or show. When I see my videos I don't look at my body and go ew that looks nasty I go huh the audience sounds great and my choreography is spot on. This is what you should be doing and the article is right burlesque is not about giving you self confidence you have to do that and learn that it's okay to be you.

If you are larger that's okay if you are skinny that's okay and if you are somewhere in between that's okay too. Stop listening to the body bashers, trying every diet known to man, stop reading all the damn posts about how men think (care about your own loved ones thoughts if your gonna care at all) and do what is right for you. This goes for those who want to get angry over thin girls talking about weight and do what some have done to you and begin to hate back. And please do it in the healthiest way possible the long term issues that come from drastic measures are far worse in the end then what you get at the moment. Also remember what makes you great as you are right now. And a side note to all of you who like to post about people being fat and lazy or wanting to feed food to skinny girls. Let people be and focus on you. What will constantly judging everyone else in the world do for you....nothing but create enemies amongst the people you feel the need to bash on. This goes for me too because I'm cheeky from time to time with my more fit peers and I should I think they are all sexy as fuck big and small, besides they let me touch their butts and boobs so I shouldn't complain or make fun of ever, I might lose my privealages.

For me what makes me great are......

My son loves my squishy fat for snuggling

My ass is super juicy

My man thinks I'm hot just the way I am

My belly is extra good for the belly rubs

I like food

My belly makes for a great baby seat

My legs and ass make for a great spring board for my son to bounce off of

And burlesque wise the booty is good for the shaking

Also I am great to snuggle in general cause I'm soft....cuddling is my fave btw

One day I will have bigger boobs and that will make me feel a bit more even, but for now I hold my saggy boobs and remember they are mine and that's okay. Will I possibly lose weight? Maybe if I ever decide to go to the gym. And do I have a weight goal, I did but have decided to let my body shape it's self through some exercise and not as many beers and chocolate bars. It doesn't mean I don't love me now it just means I need more stamina for all the stripping I tend to do in this life time. 

And let's not forget that some of the most famous performers in burlesque aren't any one shape but many shapes. And they rock my socks off every time I YouTube stock them ;) 

Glitter up bitches and remember self love above all!!! 

New number

So over the last few weeks I have been working on a new number. At the end of  February, which was a show doing a tribute to the 90s. Finding out that there was a 90s showing happening I tried to get in it, which I was lucky enough to do so. Now knowing I got it only a month ago made me freak out, only a month to put a number together, for me, is a scary thought. On top of the choreography fear the costume process seemed to stump me. I have no skills when it comes to costuming besides seeing the vision in my head and hoping someone else understands me. The third fear was my music. I personally don't like going past 3:30 with a song and my song was a bit over 4. So as you can see my skills end with choreography.

So when starting my steps to my music I began to show a select few and make some changes. Eventually I went to one of my mentors and had help filling in the many gaps I had and even got some added fun ideas. So that part getting done and my own hard work getting validated as something people would like to see I finished with two weeks to spare, thank the glittery goddess of burlesque!!!!

Next my costume, that evil thing that makes me feel "special" when trying to handle. How I loath the fact that I can't fucking sew and can barely handle a glue gun. I began whining pathetically about my costume fears to a burly friend and this lovely sewing goddess in glittery cape and wig to Jesus came to my rescue. What started out as I will help you turned into "don't touch my costume" after I repeatedly asked if we could just glue everything on. She has even given me three dimensional fruit!!!! Now this woman I need to spend a few talking about, because she didn't just save my ass with my costume but also acts as one of the few people who reminds me to stay neutral and always positive. She is an amazing performer, Emcee, and sewing queen. She smiles and hugs everyone and refuses to be one of those women who only talks shit about everyone. Honestly you should look up that lovely lassy....her name just happens to be Anita Brasierre!!! 

The last freaking issue I had was my damn freaking music. Yet again another skill slips from my grasp. So a song that's too long needing to be cut. Should I fade it or do a straight cut? All the things I have no ideas how to even think of what to do. So I put a post out to see if anyone could assist this music loser and low and behold a little blonde I know by the name of Buttercup Delight offered to assist this chubby gal. And because she is a gracious soul she came to my rescue as well. She made two copies for me one with a straight cut and one fading out. And as a side note I actually had a couple more friendly faces volunteer their services as well and again I am thankful to them as well.

How the hell did I get so lucky?? I am constantly being shown kindness when I need it more then anything and always making me change my opinion of others.

I love getting to know others and hopefully one day I can be a help to others like those who have been helping me.

Wonderful surprises

So there have been people in the community that when I first met them I didn't necessarily like them. The had an air of snob about them or they weren't nice to me or someone I knew. But by putting my dislikes aside and being polite they pleasantly surprised me over time. When being met with kindness always and my initiated conversations they started to grow on me. I have found inspiration from those I didn't like initially and I have even told them they are inspiration to me as well. Does this mean we are best friends? Of course not, but it does mean I enjoy their company when I see them briefly at shows or when I work with them. And in the end they continue to surprise me with kindness back. 

Being surprised by people is one of my favorites. They always make my heart swell a little to be proven wrong and put a smile on my face. I kind of like being proven wrong from time to time. It reminds me to chose kindness over anything else.

 

On a similar note first impressions should never be the ones you keep forever of someone. I recently heard of someone who thought many hated her and that us burlesquers were bitchy. Now knowing that isn't true I wrote a rant on Facebook about giving people a chance and never letting your first impression or your friends opinions keep you from talking to any of us. We are all pretty cool people and easy to get along with. Times not to try and talk up. A performer is right before a show. We all get nervous and begin to focus, I know I do. But if you take the time to go up and introduce yourself most of us will sit and chat or let you join in on the crazy convo we are having. I know that in the beginning I had to start introducing myself to people before given the time of day. I used Facebook or their performance to use as a way to say hi. Over time most started just chatting with me. It helps that I always have a smile and I hug boobs, don't steal my boob grabs their mine damn it. I have been shown kindness from some of the most unlikely people in my mind. 

Most recent person to show me kindness I didn't think I was cool enough to get was the wonderful Vi-Vacious. Outside of Burlesque I don't wear make up heavy and my hair is almost always up. I pulled my hair out of curlers at the show and I looked like a fucked up version of Shirley Temple. Vi-Vacious came to my rescue! She was in the show and had her own shit to be doing and she stopped and helped fix my hair along with giving me tips the whole time. I was humbled by her generosity and her kindness she had shown me. I thanked her several times and felt amazing the rest of the night because of it. I didn't think I was cool enough to be anywhere near her world and she let me. This proves that you can't just sit back and assume that everyone is a bitch, too cool, or mean. They need the chance to prove you wrong so give it to them.

Personal share time!!!

So I have been writing about me personally in my head for I this but have never actually sat down and posted the stuff I wanted too. So now I will spend time being open, honest and maybe a little emotional.

So we all know by now I am a mom...this isn't something most performers here are. Well if they do have kids they're older so it gives them their freedom back. I in the other hand have a toddler boy on my hands. This being said he is pretty awesome. He goes to rehearsals with me, shops for burly stuff with me, and even puts his make up on while I'm doing the same for a show. But it does mean I can't stay out till 6a.m. And I do have to miss out on shows and other fun stuff because he is number 1. But for the most part the girls that I am super close with all know him and don't mind the tag along when I have him, thank goodness or I'd be lonely.

The other too priority is my hubs. We all know him and he is always known as Mr. Badcock by everyone now a days. Us as a duo are unlike any other. We are both super social and flirty. In the Vegas community it seems a bit out of the norm to be who we are, but I love him and he loves me. I also get the always awkward question (for others not me) if we are in an open relationship. The overly flirts that we are wwe don't hide who we are ever. I always answer truthfully which is a big fat yes! For a while the woman he was dating was at my shows all the time and I had the two biggest fans shouting for me in the audience. The best part about answering everyone's question are all the questions after the big yes happens. Some are like "yah that's cool" and "others are all you are crazy why?" Well in all honesty we are who we are and we love to love. Does being this way have it's down falls? Well of course it does people love to have reasons to talk and hate. So I say let them talk I don't need a bunch of nasty people as friends who talk shit so I keep those who are true close and am polite to everyone else. 

Polite!  Hah this seems to be something that people mistake as being fake. I don't like being a hater. When I find myself in situations where I am being a hater in any way I try and fix that quickly. No one needs to be an ugly person it's a choice. I was asked once why I didn't hate a person and it's because I don't have room for hate. In all honesty as negative as this person is I miss them. I don't like being friends with someone I once was friends with. And it kills me that I see them at all the shows and I avoid them because their negativity got to be too much for me to handle. It makes me sad on the daily, but sometimes you have to let go of the people who bring you down with them. Still I digress, I am polite to everyone and recently I saw a post on Facebook saying "Being polite doesn't make me fake. It means I was taught manners." It's true I was taught to be polite by my little southern mama. And wanting to be a happy person in life I don't want to be nasty so I am polite. Being polite does not mean I am friends with every single person I speak with it means I am trying to show kindness.

How time flys!!!!

So it's been over a month since I have written a damn thing. So I guess this post will be a recap of fancy shit that's been going on. 

January was a CRAZY month. I hadn't talked much about it but for a few months I had been working on a group number with the entire intention to apply to BHOF Weekender. This is the biggest competition and burlesque weekend. On top of that it is held here in Vegas yearly. It's been a roller coaster of high emotions, love, and hard ass work. We did our promo photos and videoed our number. I love this number and the crazy chicks we have in it. Now we are just getting ready for performances until we get our application letter back in March.

I also had the privealage of being a Billy Club Girl in a show called Pink Tease. I have to say it was an awesome experience. I got to work with my crush Billy Boy. He hasn't been a burlesque performer for very long but he is a magnificent performer and such a freaking sweet heart. It's inspiring when you get to see the real side of someone when you are working with them. He had all of these ideas that were magnificent. He produced the first Live Burlesque in Las Vegas show of the year. and I have to say it was wonderful!!! I got to be one of his special bitches during the show that included performing with him too. He had amazing performers in his show many who we all know and one special guest I was all dumb with because she is amazing. Feeling honored about being on the stage with these beauties still and always will! 

Through working with them I was confirmed to be in the next LBLV (Live Burlesque in Las Vegas) this month too. It means a whole new number that I will have whipped up with some assistance from my lovely mentors. This was huge for me since I had thought I lost my chance to be in it since all the others I knew who were in it were vets in the community and over all amazing performers. So as of right now I am freaking out daily over making sure I don't fuck this opportunity up.

So life is filled with glitter and music!!!

Dance on bitches and be fabulous!